Could You Imagine: Ridiculous Animal Adaptations for Humans

In this episode of Wildly Curious (formerly For the Love of Nature), co-hosts Katy Reiss and Laura Fawks Lapole dive into the hilarious and fascinating world of animal adaptations, imagining what life would be like if humans had evolved to develop them. From shooting blood out of our eyes like the Texas horned lizard to creating pearls from dirt like oysters, they explore the wild possibilities of how these adaptations might change our daily lives.

Perfect for anyone curious about the bizarre and imaginative side of nature, this episode is a must-listen for science enthusiasts and humor lovers alike. Tune in to discover how animals' most outlandish traits inspire the most ridiculous "what if" scenarios for humans!

Transcript

Hello, and welcome to For the Love of Nature, a podcast where we tell you everything you need to know about nature and probably more than you wanted to know. I'm Laura.
And I'm Katy.
And today, we are talking about how animals have evolved to have some pretty awesome adaptations. And could you imagine if humans had them?
I had to emphasize the could you, because this is one of our could you series, and we're kicking off season six with a could you.
Yeah, might as well start on a ridiculous note.
I mean, why not? See, I mean, well, as I say, season six, I mean, it's ridiculous we've gotten this far.
Anyway, could you imagine we ever got this far?
No, no, because we were talking about this in the off season.
It's not so much like that, like, oh, the success of it.
Oh, it's doing well.
No, it's that Katy and Laura have kept this a hobby, a hobby alive for as long as we have. Yeah, we haven't switched. We haven't gotten bored with it.
We haven't jumped ship.
I think it's that I think it's that there's so much novelty in every episode. Like if we were focusing on the same thing all the time, like one topic, it would have been over a long time ago. But this is engaging to me because I'm learning something different.
It's just all nature related, but it's still like tons of different rabbit holes.
Yeah, no, embrace the rabbit holes.
I almost said embrace the holes, but gotta put rabbit.
We really gotta get our butts hikin on some merch here.
And that's gotta be one of them.
I have to do something about rabbit holes because I'm constantly thinking about the dark taxa one. I think about regularly.
We need to just do it.
I know.
We need to just do it.
But yes, well, the dark taxa one, though, we said that how long ago?
That's a glow in the dark.
That would be a little bit more difficult to find. But we really need to think about something about rabbit holes because I'm always going down them. And it's glorious.
I mean, it's a great trail of dopamine.
It's glorious.
A glorious hole.
A glorious dopamine hole. Dopamine-filled hole.
And also, in other news, Laura can finally drink. So I'm not the only one participating in an adult beverage because Laura's not feeding.
We're not going crazy, but it's the first episode and it's a ridiculous one, so I'm having a glass of wine.
Yeah, relax a little bit. She's not feeding the baby anymore.
Yeah, just no risk of making a Laura tipsy as well. She can already barely walk. She's tattling around.
Who just turned one.
I don't think we talked about that in last season because she's one.
Yeah, it would have just happened. Just turned one. She's running even, but she's faceplanting still a lot.
But she's getting more and more solidly walking. Sometimes when she's tired, she still looks like she's wasted.
That is the fun age, though. That's fun.
Has she started talking at all yet, like babbling?
Yes, more babbling now. And she's said mom and dad for a long time and diggles. She says, like, diggles.
Of course she did.
I know.
And that kitty and I think dog. It's so many, like, the animals. She's all about it.
I mean, truth.
There's a dog here at her daycare, and she's like, duck. Like, she gets so excited. Before, she was just calling every animal diggles.
Yeah.
So, at least now. Yeah, she saw a goat, diggles, diggles. Yeah, the way she says it's so cute.
That's funny.
Yeah, Luke was an early talker, if anybody can imagine that.
Luke was a very early talker, and I mean, you saw him when he was little.
Kid, you not.
As soon as he started, that child has not stopped. He takes after his mama twofold.
It's so funny. Everything, like a Laura does, is like, and because she's gonna be like her mom, like she might look just like Justin, but she acts just like me.
And that's exactly how Lucas looks like his dad.
Justin and I are probably pretty similar kids as far as like, you know, smart, figuring stuff out, ornery, but like, she's like super energetic. She just never stops. Which is definitely like a me.
And she's such a happy kid, although I'm always like, don't let her fool you, because like when she can be like, when she'll look you dead in the eye, when you tell her not to do something, and then just do it, or if she's really mad at you because you've told her not to do it, she'll look you dead in the eye, straight faced, as she pinches your arm as hard as she can. Oh, dang!
She has a streak to her. That kid's gonna go places one day, don't worry.
Strong, independent woman.
Right, right? Yeah, no, Luke is just crazy.
He's been doing really good, though.
He's just started first grade this year, and that's fun. Right? Because you knew him from the time he was born until he was like two and a half, I think, whenever he left the zoo.
And he is, I mean, you saw him this past summer. He's insanely tall.
I mean, he's, yeah, first grade.
Which is so funny, because you're not.
No.
And Carl's really not either.
No, no, his dad is 5'9, and I'm 5'1.
But his dad's whole family is pretty, he has some really tall cousins.
His uncle's tall, right?
Yeah, yeah. And he has like some really tall cousins and stuff like that. So, I mean, I'm 5'1, Luke's in first grade and already like up past my arm width.
So, he's almost to my shoulder.
So yeah, he's gonna be a big kid.
But because he's like 6 1⁄2, he still has the mentality of like, he's a little kid. And so like, he'll be tired and he wants carrot.
And thankfully, I'm strong, but I can carry him. And I can carry him, but like his legs go down past my knees.
And so, it always looks like a kindergartener, like a first grader carrying another first grader. Like he's just way too big.
Or like, if I put him on my shoulders, like his legs go down to my hips.
Like, cause his legs are just so freaking long.
And so, it just looks a kid carrying another kid.
That's all it looks like. Oh, he's so funny though.
I told him we were starting up the podcast again. And his exact words were, give everybody a shout out. So everybody gets a shout out.
Oh, goodness.
Well, as far as, I mean, there's, you know, news-wise, we're not doing any official, like, in the news, nature news.
I mean, I got a really big camp chair. We'll post these videos at some point. If anybody who's watching can see my-
For a few people on Patreon.
Right?
It's a chair. My dish.
It's so big.
It's a new camp chair.
It's a Woods.
The Woods is the brand name, and it's their mammoth chair. And it is the best, like, around-the-fire chair, because I can sit comfortably, very comfortably in it, Indian style.
I was just going to say, as I'm currently sitting Indian style in this chair-
Around-the-fire.
And it's not that comfortable.
Right?
No.
And it's huge. And it has a cup holder. And it's very low to the ground.
So listen to me. I just said I'm 5'1. Do you realize-
Probably 90% of my knee problems come from the fact that every chair I sit in, my feet don't touch. Or it's like they touch, but it's such a weird angle. It's not the ergonomic proper fit.
So my knees and my hips constantly freaking hurt.
So it's low to the ground. So it is perfect for my short legs. But it's huge.
And so I just imagine a big blanket, campfire, and it's a perfect chair. Also, I'm determined that the next guy that I marry, if I marry next guy, has to be six foot. Why?
I've determined that pretty much all the new cabinets and all these new places, I can't reach. Like, yeah, I have a step stool that I have to drag around everywhere with me. And so like I measure, I'm like, okay, if someone's six foot, they can totally reach the top of the shelves.
And I'm like, yeah, perfect.
So six foot minimum.
Anybody listening, they can apply as you will, as far as you will. And this is a huge camp chair that would fit probably almost both of us in it because it's ginormous.
So I have ulterior motives for my ginormous camp chair.
All right. So for this episode, we had the inspiration last season. Yes, when we were like, you know, we've been talking.
I, in particular, am always like thinking about this. Yes, yes. I feel like in so many of our episodes, I'm like, oh, man, wouldn't it be crazy?
And so now we're finally going to go on this journey together. So question, question. Yes.
Which question pops into your mind first?
Could you ride that or the adaptation? Whenever you see an animal, depending on what it is.
Oh, man, that's a great question. Probably, probably ride.
Probably, probably ride.
Because the other one would be like, could you be that?
Yes.
But we've already talked about, I think that's probably, I don't know.
Yeah.
The adaptation is like, kind of like the, could you be that or something like that. Fair. Which I definitely think about.
But when we're talking about, like when we're telling each other about our animals or whatever we're researching, I then immediately jump to the anthropomorphizing of it.
Yes. Which makes it so much better, 90% of the time. So it was in the tidal pool episode that we were talking about starfish.
And how they can lose a limb. And so we were talking about if humans could do that.
How insane that would look.
That would be insane. And listen, I went to some coworkers, and I'm going to call them out because they listen to the podcast. And so I'm calling them out.
We, to be fair, we've had a very busy time at work. I go to them and I ask for help. And I just got thinking that this is going to be the freaking funniest thing that I've ever brought to them ever because I have been dying inside.
I don't know if my, the ones I chose are like the strongest ones I've ever thought of, but they're still good because I am constantly thinking of them. Constantly. So anyway, so I went to thinking this would be the freaking funniest thing ever, and I got the blankest of blank stares.
And then one, she just like went too deep into it, like too, too like, okay, well, if people have evolved, it's because their environment has evolved, and it's because of, you know, a way, and I'm like, I was like, no.
You're ruining it.
I was like, don't, you're thinking too hard.
Just this is surface level stupidity, like surface stupid. And so we were laughing, and the other guy was just like sitting there like, like looking at me.
I guess that's why we do this, right?
Because we think it's hilarious.
Yeah. But thankfully, we're filling a niche here.
Right.
Thankfully, one of my other coworkers, she has a background within zoos as well. And so I was like, listen, I really need your help. And she was like on it.
She was like, even if you never thought of this, just throw me weird adaptations.
Yes, yes.
And she was just like one right after another after another. And so I had meetings all day with a contractor, and I was like, just text me if you think of them. We have a group chat going on.
And she was just texting me random ones. And so I'd be out there like, trying not to laugh.
We've honestly talked about so many. Like the barnacle one, where I'm like, can you imagine if you went out to your neighbor and tapped on the shoulder?
The baby fused to your nipple, which was our number one spot for the funniest ones.
It is the funniest. I was laughing so hard and listening to it in my car.
Because it's such a good segment.
If you guys have not listened to season five's finale, which is basically just me laughing at myself in between takes of Laura and I talking about ridiculous things. We pulled all the funniest segments. I got with Laura and Kim.
We pulled out funny segments, and we didn't even hit all of them, but it's like the top 20. And listen, the top four, I don't even know how long it took me to actually record that. Because I was laughing so hard.
I just like the insanity. And I feel like this episode just fits right in. I'm so hoping.
Do you want to go first or do you want me to?
I would love to go first, actually. Could you imagine if every time a piece of dirt gets in a body crevice, like an oyster, we make a pearl?
Very quickly? Like how fast?
Like an oyster fast.
But they don't make it that fast.
No, they don't, but I mean, you figure, like, I mean, if it's sitting there, if you want to make a pearl, you can either wash it out, or you can make a pearl.
You just decide to leave it there?
And just make a pearl.
Listen, every time I go to the beach, just come out, just dripping in pearls, just dropping pearls, just as you want, just plopping pearls, just plopping off.
And I was like, kids, by far, would be pearl factories.
So, I'll never forget, I'll never forget, one of the first times, so before, Laura could have an actual bath, and we were just supposed to be wiping her off.
Oh, yeah, gosh.
I apparently wasn't getting her armpits, because when I finally did lift her armpit the whole way, she had armpit cheese. But it could have been a pearl. It could have been a pearl.
That would have been so much nicer.
It could have been a pearl.
You just lift your little baby arm.
Pearl.
That would be so good.
But of course, okay, so any of our children listeners should just close your ears for a little bit. So one of my coworkers was like, is this like any body crevice, or are you thinking like only one particular? I was like, no, dear God, any body crevice, like you said, armpit, elbow, like I don't care where, behind your ear.
It would be like a magic trick. Boom, pearl.
Pearl.
Boom, pearl.
Between your toes. That would be really uncomfortable. Pearl.
Because I would announce it every time, and I would do it like a magic trick too, like between my toes, be like, pearl, like every single time.
Princess dirty toes would have had a crazy advantage.
Right?
Just a pearl factory.
Pearl factory, children.
That's amazing. Did you come up with that one, or did they give that to you?
No, that was mine.
That was mine.
And then that was the example that I used to giving to other people. In the first two, I gave that example to, again, blank stares.
And I'm like, guys, that was freaking funny. I'm laughing.
As soon as I thought of that, I was dying to myself.
And I was like, guys, that was funny.
And then I went to my other coworker who used to work in zoos too, and she lost it laughing. So I'm like, you're my people. Thank you.
Thank you.
Somebody gets my weird sense of humor. To be fair, the first two that were blank stares, one of them did give me all the animals I used that I was going to punch in the face or beat up. So it evens out.
Couldn't do this one, but you know.
You're just a more violent person. Yeah.
It's just aggression. Help me with my aggression issues.
Okay. All right. I immediately came up with two when we were just even talking about this episode.
So my immediate go-to was, could you imagine if we just ejected our babies at the first sign of danger?
Whether that baby is inside or outside. So for those of you that don't know, for those of you that don't know. Like you just throw it.
So macropods, which are kangaroos, wallabies, quokkas, all of those guys, they at the like anytime a predator is chasing them, they just toss that baby.
Which is so mean.
Just like, baby, they're gone.
They're all marsupials, so their pouch is really muscular. So the mom can just relax it, the baby falls out, and as it's flailing around making a ruckus, the mom can make it escape while the baby gets devoured.
That's so unfortunate.
But they're like baby machines. They've got like one in the pouch, one on the teat, one in the oven.
Yeah.
And so they're just cutting your losses.
Yeah, true.
Very true. But, right, can you just imagine, like, you know, the amount of times that I get startled?
Not even necessarily like full blown. Like, I wonder how afraid you'd have to be to eject a baby. I mean, it has to be...
Significant, you think.
Yeah, you would...
Okay, one would hope, I should say.
But like, imagine, you know, like, some people, you know... I'm one of those people that like to scare other people. But I get startled too.
Like, what if, you know, you're just... You know, your baby is sleeping on you, it's very peaceful, you're watching a horror movie, and then just bam, bam, you just throw your baby across the room. Sorry, it's my instincts.
It's my instincts to chuck a baby. They wouldn't even know. Like, you know what I mean, especially if it's a human, because humans are so...
As far as animals are concerned, human babies are completely useless and helpless. They can't do anything. They don't...
No defenses whatsoever. I mean, a baby bird is probably about... Comes in very close.
And I wouldn't even say a baby bird has a better chance of survival than what they do. I, whenever I was in Australia, we went to this rehab place, and they were rehabbing kangaroos. Yeah.
And there was... Maybe I didn't post it, but there was like a ridiculous...
Amount of babies?
Well, it was in this mom's pouch, and it was so big. Like, the baby that popped out was so big. It was just uncalled for.
Like, it was almost like a magic trick where this baby popped out. We're like, what the heck just happened? Here it is, here it is, here it is.
Okay, so our Patreon folks, we'll get to see this then. So that's... You walk up on it, and that's what I saw first, okay?
So we're like, hmm.
And for the listeners, I'll try to describe it. So all we saw was a young female kangaroo with just feet sticking out, okay? So we're like, okay, whatever.
Is that a kangaroo of six legs? No.
Well, yeah. We're like, huh. That must be, okay, second picture.
We're like, that must be, is that baby, like, big? Like, full grown? Sure enough.
Let me just show you. That's the freaking baby that came out of it.
Her pouch must have been so stretched.
But it's like, it's like me holding Luke in a pouch.
Like, it is so big. Cinch that muscle closed, mama.
Yeah, just do not let, like, like, again, kick that kid out.
Especially because she probably already has another one in there.
Right? Get rid of that thing.
Yikes.
But then look at them.
They got really cute there.
They are so cute.
They're so freaking cute. I love kangaroos.
Too bad that they don't love their babies enough to hold on to them. Right?
They just gonna shoot them out instead. Well, I can go one of two directions here. I do have another pouch animal, or I have a baby animal.
A baby related one. So, let's go with pouches. This is one that we have talked about already, and it would be koalas.
So what if we did have an upside down pouch?
That's what we're talking.
And I'm not gonna go as far as everyone has chlamydia.
But what if we had upside down pouches and had to take care of our babies in it?
Take care of our babies in it. Like, would you just wear a belt? A belt.
Just a belt at all times. Even when you're sleeping.
But you want the baby to come out.
Special pants. With like, no, you know what?
I was thinking like maternity pants, but that had more of like a pouch area. That like if they want to put over your pouch, yeah, it could go into the pants and just hang out in there. Like an outdoor play space.
Roll out of your pouch.
I don't ever want to pouch facing up or down.
That is, okay, it is hands down one of the most disgusting things.
The only more. Yeah, I looked in there once. No, you know, it's all like sweaty and.
To me, the only more disgusting thing about babies, as far as disgusting goes, is the frogs with the baby in its back. Yeah, that grosses us out. So disgusting.
But I would say it like, okay, now just hear me out. Women's clothing never has pockets.
So would you?
You said pouch when you're not carrying a baby.
Let's just.
To hold your stuff.
I would just rather have pouch pockets then. Baby is nothing about babies included in it.
But listen, if you just had a pouch, let's just say you have a pouch. It's the same gestation, I should say, as we have regular humans now. So nine months you carry the baby.
Hopefully you're not popping one out after the other. Would you use that pouch to carry things?
Probably. I've used my bra and stuff.
Because any sane person would be like, we'll just wear clothing that has pockets. Listen, 90% of women's clothing does not have pockets. Or if they have pockets, they're really stupid, small pockets.
Yeah, you can't fit your stuff in there.
Not even a phone. Phones are getting bigger and bigger.
Then a baby.
I'm also wondering the waste that comes out.
Well, you'd have to clean your pouch.
The mom cleans, I know. But if it's upside down, it's just constantly coming out. Whereas if it's facing up, at least you could just clean it out of her.
No, no, no. I mean, if you had a baby in an upside down pouch, you'd have to wear special underwear to catch all the waste from the baby.
So then here's a question.
Or you shove a pad up in there and soak it all up as it's happening.
This is a super absorbent baby diaper. What if, then, would you be more pro pouch if it was just like, what if it was on your hips, like as pockets? What if we just evolved pouches?
Hip pouches.
For just pockets, like random?
Oh, for pockets, not for babies.
Yeah, for pockets, not for babies.
I'm about it.
So you're okay if we just develop pouches, like random pouches.
Women, we just need to start selectively breeding ourselves. For pockets. Anybody who's got a dip in their hip, a dent, go for it.
We need to start thinking.
A lot of people have that dent at the bottom of their spine.
True.
That's where our pouches start. Some peoples are pretty deep.
To be fair, on your lower back would be convenient. Okay, listen. Those who know me know I fancy a really good fanny pack.
This would take that to a whole other level.
Yeah, this would be the ultimate.
It's pretty much fanny level. Yeah, right?
And then I just like, listen, to any mom out there, or anybody that is going to judge me for wearing fanny packs, first of all, they do look cool. I don't wear like 90s, grandpas.
I think it's fine.
I wear fun ones. Secondly, when you have a kid, fanny packs are amazing. Like, I gotta be hands, you know, ready.
They're just, they're so quick for spills, everything.
Honestly, Katy, I think you missed the train on this one because, like, after you had Luke, you could have made pockets. From, like, your distended muscles. Like, you had a pocket.
You had a pouch. And you just sew that back.
I wish you guys could see Laura's, like, hand motions. You missed it.
I missed my chance.
Katy had a pouch.
I had one.
Missed chance.
Missed it.
But I do. I frequently miss pockets. But then again, like, like, I hate clothes that don't have pockets, but at the same time, like, like, like, okay, listen, single now.
All right. Your butt's got to look good. So you don't want to put anything in your back pockets.
You know what I mean? So but then the front one, it's like they're too small and they're weird. So you got to have like a more convenient.
Even the back ones suck because I mean, sit on it.
Yeah. They're just so impractical.
All right.
Laura and I are definitely both pro non baby pouch.
Non baby pouch. Yeah. But that whole nonsense of the upside down pouch.
No, I wouldn't. No, no. Getting rid of that.
Um, do I have something that's pouch like? Uh, no, not really. But I do have disgusting.
Um, okay. Could you imagine if in order to flirt, we sprayed feces everywhere?
Uh, I mean, if we evolved to find it attractive, maybe?
I guess, because that's what hippos did. Yeah. So hippos sling their poop all over the place to mark their territory.
But it's not just for territory. It's also done during mating season. Usually only guys do this, but if the female likes it, if she's into it, she'll just go and either poop on his face or right next to him.
I mean, you know, you don't want to judge anyone's kink, but at the same time, right?
At the same time. It's actually been shown to, I mean, we're talking 30 feet here to people. What?
That's some serious poop spraying.
OK, I was going to say, not only OK, because they shake their tail, right?
Yup, just 30 feet.
That's OK. So we don't. So would we have a tail then?
Like, would we keep our tail or would we just like have to really shake our butts?
Or just project like the force, like a bald eagle.
I gross out so many people. Whenever I was a kid, I grew up in a family who called whenever you have diarrhea the squirts.
Me too, for sure.
And I don't know if it's like a Northeastern thing, but everywhere I've moved since, they're like, the what? And everybody gets grossed out about it. Listen, diarrhea is horrible regardless.
It's also literally what's happening. What else would you call it?
But at the same time, I would rather any day of the week say the squirts rather than diarrhea.
Projectile.
Scientists have also discovered that just the sound of an unknown hippo, if they hear a stranger danger, just immediately crap and spray. So like, I mean, just meeting new people would be so awkward.
Just crap in your pants.
Just those poor introverts.
All they do is they hear a voice. They just hear the bellow of an of a stranger. So yeah, you just hear a stranger and just just spray.
Shart your pants.
Poor people. Yeah, we'd have to. There'd have to be some clothing stuff going on there.
Oh my gosh, some severe, not even catching, but just like reinforced.
Reinforced and like just constant changes. Yeah, I need to carry a change of clothes all the time, if not multiple. You just have stashes wherever you go.
I mean, that's kind of like how I am like a squirrel with feminine products. Like anybody that knows me, I stash them everywhere I go.
You might need them.
Yeah, because you never know. Being a woman sucks sometimes. But I picture it would be like the same thing.
Like just anywhere you go. Yeah, just stash stuff everywhere.
Oh, it would be so gross.
So gross. But it would be kind of cute if like every time a male wanted to attract you, he like squatted over and wiggled his butt.
I mean, minus the poop.
Yeah, but...
Yeah, a little butt wag.
A little butt wag never hurts.
But without the feces. A little butt wag, no feces. Thank you.
Alrighty. We'll go back to babies.
Okay, good.
Gastric brooding frogs. The ones that like house the babies in their mouth.
I mean, I guess if your baby could literally fit in your mouth, like if a baby was like the size of a Twinkie.
That's okay. So that's where I was going. Okay, so listen, what if our babies didn't come out like big?
Luke was over eight, just over eight and a half pounds. He was a chunk kid. Like I remember they pulled him out because I had a C-section.
And I remember the doctor saying, they did a cut, a normal C-section cut. And then he said, listen, I'm going to apply pressure. And if we can't get him out, we're going to have to cut you hip to hip.
So like, because I'm tiny, and Luke, you know, over eight and a half pounds, he was a big kid, and so they got him out, and then it literally said, Mom, it's a linebacker with a full head of hair.
Sure enough, like, because he was just a, he was like a little tank from day one.
But, but, if we didn't have like full size, you know, babies that we know now, and we had like babies...
Well, right, and like, how did they fit in their mouth? Did you find out?
Uh, depends on the species, I believe.
I'm just curious, how many babies do I have to fit in my cheeks? Like, it's like that game Chubby Bunny. Chubby Bunny game.
Chubby Bunny. Full of babies. And is it...
Are they tadpoles when they're in there?
No, no, no, it's like a fully grown, actual tiny baby froglet. Yeah, a fully grown, tiny baby froglet.
Okay, so again, we're not talking to human baby. We're talking like toddlers in your mouth.
So they think that they're... At least the one species, they think that they're extinct now.
Oh, well, probably a dumb thing to do. How many times did they get eaten?
Yeah, probably a dumb thing to do.
Probably a dumb thing to do.
Just to maybe slip down the old esophagus.
So there was the southern... I'm sure that there's more, though. But no, it doesn't say how many.
I don't see about how many.
Let's just say three. Let's just say they could fit three. You have to fit three tiny, tiny toddlers in your mouth that could crawl in and out of your mouth independently.
To be fair, I am fantastic at chubby bunny. So I feel like I could make a good running with three babies. Because my whole career is a professional talker, so it would have to be like, hello, hello, hello.
You know what I mean? Like the whole time.
But then catch a baby as it like, you know.
Yeah, both. So that's what I was going to say. Any of the people who know me, any of my friends, know that I am notorious for spewing.
Like if, like, like if I'm taking a drink, somebody says something funny, it just comes out. So like, I would be terrible at this because my babies, like every, I laugh so much. Babies are just constantly shooting out.
Hopefully Justin's a good catcher. He just takes like a baseball mitt everywhere you guys go to just like catch the babies.
And then like, I just imagine, yeah, like what if you, I wonder how often the babies are in the mouth, like all the time or only when there's danger.
I think it's, I think it was like sparingly.
Because that would be okay. That would be okay. I'm just thinking like at night, like how are you supposed to breathe and like snore and like Through your nose.
Eat?
Like how do you eat and not eat your baby at the same time?
Skill.
I mean, I guess that's why they're extinct probably.
Well, a lot, they were saying, they think that the places where they were overtaken, at least these two were overtaken by kitchen fungus. So to be fair, not their fault, humans fault.
I suppose.
So I wouldn't want to do it.
That's the answer. Absolutely a no-go. But like it could be done.
I think.
So it's their stomach is the womb.
And then they actually go the whole way down.
I believe so. Yeah.
How do they survive the stomach acid?
Well, I mean, you figure frog isn't exactly like ours.
Well, I know, but like they still have to digest food. That's bananas. The mouth is one thing, like a crocodile, you know, where they're just hanging out in their teeth.
Like, that's one thing. Your stomach, absolutely not.
But yeah, so that would be disgusting. Yeah, because its stomach was fit. The stomach functioned as a uterus.
That is crazy. Just regurgitating your babies.
Actually, this segues perfectly into my next one.
Oh, man, I'm so excited.
Could you imagine if we vomited like vultures whenever we felt threatened?
I feel like to an extent, a lot of people do this. You know what I mean?
But I feel like it's like they vomit out of nervousness like backstage or something, not like on to somebody.
Yeah, okay, to be fair, you have a point there. Not on to an individual. But I feel like a lot of people, when they get in a very high stress situation, just like vomit because they're like, just bleh.
But, I mean, it wouldn't be a bad thing.
No, I think it'd be actually cool. I don't know if I'll go as far as cool, but as long as it was a voluntary process.
Oh, see, that would be, yeah. I don't know if there's this voluntary, though.
I don't know either. What I do know is that they can vomit up to 10 feet, so that's some serious puking.
Man, I've worked with how many different vultures. I don't remember it ever going, like, being that far.
Not projectile, yeah. And their stomach pH is typically 10 to 100 times stronger than a human.
Well, I mean, you got to break down all that dead cell through you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, it burns. So, like, can you imagine, like, you're having a fight with somebody, and you're like, that's it, and you just puke on them, and then they just burns.
Ugh, that would be rough. I don't think that...
No, but I would mess with you again.
No, but I don't think that... I don't think that vultures, it is voluntary. You know what I mean?
Like, I think it's...
No, I think it's...
It's a reaction to the stress.
To, like, a predator or something like that, yeah. To the stress. Like, it's a distraction, and it lightens the load so they can fly.
Okay, so then, okay, my next one then. Could you imagine if humans adapted and had, like, an organ on their face or, like, an extra appendage on their face, like the star-nosed mole?
Oh, I saw this and thought about it. Yeah, I took it. That's cool.
No, like, it's, like, straight-up tentacle-looking.
It is. So it looks like tentacles, and then they do sort of use it because they're underground. They use it as, like, almost like eyes, essentially.
Like, it is, like, a vision, an extended...
Yeah. Uh, I mean, I guess it probably wouldn't be very useful to us because we aren't... we can see, but...
But that wouldn't give us the ability to, like, live not in the light all the time.
That's true. Or can you imagine a... I'm not taking...
PG-13. Can you imagine, like, the sensory input of, like, a makeout session?
True.
Like, if you had, like, a crazy, like...
Can you bring your tentacles over here?
That gives a whole new definition to sucking face.
Because most people don't even, like, you know, you know, most people, unless you're, like, I don't know, most people don't have their eyes open when they're kissing.
I was gonna say, I'm so excited to see where you go with this.
Yeah, most people don't have their eyes open when they're kissing. So, this was where your, like...
Nose at Oregon.
Your sensory organ on your face.
True. Or would it be, like...
Or, taking it even further... We'll just allude to things here. If you went further than the makeout session, to, like...
I'm just gonna sit back and let you talk this through, because I'm just gonna let you dig yourself in this hole.
There's no way to say it without saying it.
Acted like a mole?
Do what moles do. And tunnel in there. So anyway, that's where that food really come in handy, I.
Do what moles do, just tunnel right in there.
I hope somebody says that next time. Some listener out there just uses that terminology.
All right, all right, all right, babe.
Let's just do what moles do.
We're going to tunnel right in there.
So yeah, then I'm all about, I'm all about, I'm on board.
Then I'm on board. Oh, goodness. I mean, it would have, because I mean, okay, so the moles, they are super sensitive.
So it would, you know what I mean?
They cry at movies.
Because you figure like on a human, okay, going with what you were saying, as a human, our most like with the nerve endings, there's only a few key parts.
Because we're highly visual species.
Yes.
We're all about vision.
So like would that organ end up being like another organ for like sexual purposes? If it was our case, because in the moles case, they have to use it to be able to feel and see food. But for us, if we did stay on top of the earth, we didn't dig wherever you're digging.
If it is highly sensitive like that, would it serve a different purpose?
Why would your lips be so sensitive otherwise? Yeah.
Interesting.
Yeah. Never thought about it.
Now you will.
Could you imagine if humans went through metamorphosis like butterflies and moths?
So listen. That's what I said. One of my co-workers said that.
I was like, and then we talked about it a little bit. That would, okay, to be fair, that would be pretty cool.
It would be crazy. I talked about this at work because this is one of those things where in order to like get the concept across to kids, what I usually end up saying is, can you imagine you get in your sleeping bag at night, zip yourself up tight, and when you wake up, you look completely different. You don't eat the same things.
Nothing is the same about you. Nothing. Not a dang thing.
Although they do think that there is some memory retention. And I looked at the science of how metamorphosis is acting. Well, they found out they did some experiments.
Like, do butterflies remember certain plants? And they did show an affinity for certain individuals. So there's got to be some kind of memory stuff going on.
But apparently, what actually happens, and I don't know how I've never looked this up before, but to form the chrysalis, the outer layer of their skin comes off.
Well, the cocoon itself is like their own silk, so they're making it.
Well, silk, if they're a moth, and then their skin, if it's the butterfly, is a chrysalis. Inside of that, then, their muscles and organs break down into their most essential cells, and those cells are called imaginal discs. So these imaginal discs put them back together in the way that they need to be.
It literally is a completely new...
Yeah, because they essentially turn into soup. Yeah, I knew that. And it's just crazy that there's a few cells left that keep them alive.
It's just enough to stay alive. And then the imaginal discs put them back together. They grow those discs while they're still in the egg, and then some of the discs stay dormant while others begin before their chrysalises even form.
So sometimes within the caterpillar, wings are already growing under the skin and then emerge once they're in the chrysalis.
Interesting.
Yeah.
The only reason why I said I couldn't do this one is because I said I couldn't go talking through this whole thing without quoting Heimlich from Bugs Life.
Yeah, some paper that I read, a scientist said, you know, because everybody says, it's like they turn into soup. He said, well, so if the pupa contains a soup, it's an organized broth full of chunky bits. Yeah, an organized broth full of chunky bits.
So yeah, can you imagine? I mean, it would be insane. It'd be insane.
You know, you're just living your life and then you wake up and you're a totally different animal.
I guess we would cocoon at puberty. You know what I mean? Like that would be in a human's lifespan.
And be like, oh, where's little Johnny? Oh, he's cocooning right now. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's pupating. Puberty?
Pupating. Pupating.
See? Same thing.
He's pupating. And then when you get out, you look totally different. You're not even a human anymore.
No. Or before you weren't a human. Like, like we give birth to some grubs or something.
That's what I was going to say. Would our human form be the after or would it be the before?
Right. I don't know.
Okay, so let's just say human, because we're more caterpillar looking.
You know what I mean? For sure. Soft and gooey and yeah.
So what...
Just flesh bags.
So what would we, besides growing actual wings, what would our equivalent of a caterpillar be?
You mean of a butterfly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
To a butterfly. We're the larvae.
And then we're going to the butterfly.
To our adult stage.
What would be the equivalent? Birds.
We just turn into a bird. That probably would be it.
Pterodactyl. You know.
Yes.
Our final form is a pterodactyl.
Because it's so fleshy, you know?
Yeah.
I arrived thinking bat. I was thinking like something. Yeah, like something.
Yeah. Because the cataclysm. I love bats.
Listen, everybody knows I love bats.
The butterfly has the body of its old self, kind of.
Yes.
It just grew longer legs, less of them, segments. Yeah.
So we would be bats or pterodactyls.
Or pterodactyls. Yeah. That's definitely.
Let's go with bats. Again, I love bats.
What if our final form is just vampires? That's the final form.
And some people have reached it, and we just haven't evolved yet. Luke is on a huge vampire kick right now. Ooh.
So because that's what he wants to dress up for Halloween. Nice. Because he wants me to dress up as one as well.
And I said, really, buddy? And he said, but you can be a beautiful one. I was like, thanks, kid.
That's nice. Yeah, thanks. A bat.
I never thought of that like that. That would be cool. I would love to fly.
But then again, the adaptive clothing.
And actually, everything about it, everything about it points to bats. Because you know how their lives are... Well, I'm just thinking too behaviorally.
Our lives would have to be totally different.
Yes, it would be.
It would go from daytime to nighttime. The difference.
Yes.
Especially if you're a moth. Okay, a butterfly goes from daytime to daytime, but a moth goes from daytime to nighttime.
But there are still... I mean, there are flying foxes and everything that stay up all day and everything.
That's true.
But again, it's the same thing. Moths and butterflies, for the most part, similar enough.
And we can never eat any plants again. It has to be like a bat where you're only a carnivore.
Well, or unless you're a flying fox and that's fruit.
Yeah, and nothing else ever again. I could totally do that. Just herbivore to just nectar.
I could totally just be a fruitivore the rest of my life.
Yeah, I think I could too.
I love fruit.
If my insides could handle it, and yeah, I'd not get diabetes or something.
I'm wiggly.
Yeah.
All right, bats. I am all for this bat theory.
Final form.
I'm ready for going bats. I can get behind this. I'm all for it.
All righty.
What's your last one?
Texas horn lizard with the blood squirting out of the eyes.
This was my last one. I am not kidding you.
What are the chances? I knew it would happen. I mean, I didn't think it would, but I also thought it might.
Yeah. And also, it is this. Could you imagine?
I mean, could you imagine? Squirting blood from our eyes.
Eyeballs.
Now, again, I immediately went to like, okay, single, you know, start dating. Just like, nope, blood out the eyeballs.
This is not going well. Actually, why am I winking? It'd be more like, because they make them, they bulge.
They bulge.
Yeah, they bulge your eyes out.
I looked at the science behind it. So there are a lot of horned lizards can do this, each species in particular, up to five feet away. Which is pretty far.
That is significant when you're like three inches long.
So you figure if you're three inches and it can go five feet.
Right. What is the equivalent for us?
Okay, hold on. Well, let's see here. Hold on.
Go ahead. You talk and I will, the one with this calculator with a learning disability in math, will do the math and figure this out.
Perfect. Meanwhile, here's some other numbers. One study showed that it lost about 2% of its body mass.
One little lizard lost up to 6.8% of its body mass. So listen, I crunched the numbers here on this one. Of the human body is 7% blood in mass.
Okay. Oh, so those lizards lost, like, that would be like us losing almost all of our blood. It would be such a stream.
Can you imagine? Okay, like, even if it was just the low end, like the 2%, if we lost 2% of our blood, that's what? What do we have?
8 liters, something like that?
I think so.
Okay, so 2 liters, a 2-liter bottle of soda pouring out of your eye. That's so much blood. Yeah, it's the same amount as when your water breaks for a baby.
And let me tell you, someone who experienced that not that long ago, it is an insane amount of fluid.
Thankfully, I didn't have to because I was scheduled to see.
That was insane. But yeah, 2 liters out your eyeball.
I mean, I guess that makes sense. So if you're about 3 inches and you can shoot it up to 5 feet, it said.
Which is how many inches? 60?
Yeah, 5 feet, 60 inches. So then like if we took like then a 5 foot human, the ratio is like 3 to 60. So then that would be 3 times 20 to get to your 60, right?
Yes.
Yeah.
And then so that you would do 5 foot, 60 times 20, divided by your 12, that would be 101 feet. That's a long way. That's pretty far.
And 2 liters worth.
That's so much.
That's so much so far. So yeah, you just immediately go anemic. Apparently, it can be done several times.
Like in a relatively short period, it contains canine and feline repellent chemicals. And they also, so what they do is they have like a muscle around their eyeball, like their membrane that they can shut that off. Okay, they shut off the vein.
So the heartbeat keeps pumping blood in, but it doesn't go out. So the pressure builds and builds and builds until finally it rapidly does its little eye muscle thing. And that rapid bursts the membrane and shoots the blood.
If it just gets like sand in its little eye, it can do the same thing without shooting the blood. It just doesn't do the rapid fire. It just does like the bulgy bit.
I wish you guys could see the intense blinking that Laura is doing, the winking, the eye twitching.
All the more reason to join Patreon, right? But yeah, so it would be very useful to be able to like clear debris. The amount of times that I get totally poop water in my eyes.
Yeah, just anything, just dirt, dust.
I would love to immediately flush my eye.
Yeah, that would be convenient.
That would be really nice. And like you said, anytime you're in a bad situation, you need to get out. Just blood.
Squirt the blood.
Squirt the blood.
Just squirt the blood. What are the chances though that the last one for both of us, man?
Well, right, and that we were both saving it for the end.
Yeah, that's the funny part is that we both were like, Blood squirting. So gross.
There was a comedian I heard once talking about what if we were spitting cobras and could spit venom at people. And I was like, somebody's already talked about that. But it's very similar.
Yeah.
If you were in a bad situation, just right in somebody's eyes.
Right? That would be funny.
The comedians, I think the comedian was saying something like, what if you're sitting at a bar? Yeah.
Right?
And somebody came on to you and you're just like.
I would do it. Goodness, that's funny. Well, guys, could you imagine, if you guys have really good ones that you're thinking of.
Please share.
Yeah, please share. Go on to Twitter. That's probably the best spot to reach out to us.
Let us know because, again, Laura and I think about this a lot, and we could just laugh about it all day because they're always.
I love to imagine.
Funny things. So, yeah, definitely let us know. As we've said several times throughout this episode, check us out on Patreon.
Follow us on Twitter at Footlawn, who we should give a total good shout out to Acie, one of our youngest listeners.
He did some amazing art for us.
Amazing art over our break. Do we share it on our page? Okay, so if you go to our Twitter page and scroll back a little bit, you'll see Acie did some amazing artwork when she listened to the season five finale of all our funniest episodes.
So make sure you go there and like Acie's artwork. Just check it out. It's so funny.
And thanks to Kim for doing all of our mini episodes.
And our break, yep, so that we could actually get a break. It's always nice. Helps us catch up on work and life.
But yeah, if you guys have episode ideas, or if you guys, if you're an animal nerd, you know, professional, whatever, you want to be a guest on the show, or if you know...
Collaborate.
Yeah, collaborate, or if you know, you'd be like, hey, it'd be really cool if you guys talked to this person or had this person on, let us know.
Yeah, yeah, we've had people on our show. We've also guested on other people's shows.
Yep.
So, yeah, we're willing to collab.
Podcast network is pretty fun. All right, everybody.
Season six, we're off to a good start.
Just so weird. Keep listening.
Please.
We promise. It was great.
All right, we'll talk to you guys next week.
Bye, everyone.